John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best
toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, last
night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come."

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a
chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my
cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs
for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week
either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any
milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way
across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going
to tell him, or should I?"