A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she
doesn't have correct change for the fare.

The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over
her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He
caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,
"If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red
Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.

A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know
this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?"

The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah."

Florida Broads

GABLES BARBIE: This Barbie is only sold Bloomingdales or Merrick Park. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, and a long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

DORAL BARBIE: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar, cookie cutter house, country club membership and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary
education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.

HOMESTEAD BARBIE: This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm hand gun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about). Also available with a Mobil home.

BRICKELL BARBIE: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Volvo wagon. Included are a Starbucks travel cup, credit cards, French pedicure and exclusive gym membership. Also available for
this set are Real Estate Magnate Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

DAVIE BARBIE: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

BOCA BARBIE: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini, Jimmy Choo slides and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at her custom, 12,000 sq. ft. house. Shallow Ken can be found in
the cabana making out with Jail Bait Skipper. Percocet prescription recommended.

KENDALL BARBIE: This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Hialeah Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise jeans, fake
fingernails, and a see-through halter top.

COCONUT GROVE BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She
does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Coconut Grove Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.

HIALEAH BARBIE: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional Accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition
of the infant -- Not sold in English!

KEY BISCAYNE BARBIE: With frosted blonde hair and a French manicure, she's perfect in everyway. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or golfing.

SOUTH BEACH BARBIE/KEN: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

A Tribute to Motherhood

[one thing no man can do]

These are different answers given by school-age children to the given
questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
>>

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
>>

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

>>
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world, and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from
men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.
>>

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I
don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
>>

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs
and YES
to chores?
>>

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him 3. My grandma says that
mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
>>

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
>>

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a
goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to
do than dad.
>>

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at
work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
'cause
that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
>>

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
>>

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't
even have bread on them!
>>

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts! 3.
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
>>

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist. 2. Her
casserole recipes. But we hate them. 3. Just her children.
>>

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
>>

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1. She
has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that. 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister
who did it and not me.

This ought to keep all of you off the street for a while........

http://www.nonstop.lv/files/bubblewrap.swf

My Way News

Britons Using Text to Break Up More Often

May 4, 12:10 PM (ET)

LONDON (AP) - Dear John. We're thru :-(

Nine percent of Britons admit to dumping a partner by sending an SMS text message on a cell phone - possibly signalling the beginning of the end for the "Dear John" letter - according to a new survey.

Among those aged 15 to 24, the figure rises to 20 percent.

The mobile phone has also become a magnet of infidelity testing.

Forty-five percent of women owned up to secretly checking the text messages on their partner's phone, compared to 31 percent of men.

Philippa O'Sullivan, 15, from near Basingstoke, in southern England, said using text messages to finish relationships was common among teen-agers, many of whom "find it easier to talk by text."

"I've heard of lots of people, including a couple of my friends, being dumped that way," O'Sullivan said.

The poll, by market research firm NOP for Sicap, a messaging services provider based in Bern, Switzerland, also found that 44 percent had used text messages to flirt; among the 14 to 24-year-olds, the figure rose to 75 percent.

Some 31 percent of adults said they had sent a love letter by text - even among ...

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